


Onism + Monachopsis

by kind-of-always-late (intransient_adventure)



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Camping, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 15:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4612386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intransient_adventure/pseuds/kind-of-always-late
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, and<br/>Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Onism + Monachopsis

**Author's Note:**

> This story can also be found in the OBFrankenfics' 23 Emotions collection (which is called "Twenty-Three" here on AO3).

To be fair, she should probably have known. To be fair, she _should_ have gleaned the nature of this particular course from its very title, and even more so from the description tucked neatly beneath (which she _may_ or may not have skimmed over, at the time).

Still, she had been rather overwhelmed at that particular juncture of her life. As it turns out, there is something about transporting your life halfway across the world for an exchange year at an American university that can be mildly disorienting.  So disorienting, in fact, that little details like “course descriptions and requirements” might somehow escape you. As it turns out.  
  
It was in this way that Delphine found herself committed to a full semester in an outdoor education course. A predicament that would not have been a predicament, per se (she had nothing against _studying_ the outdoors, after all), had it not been for the “field element” mentioned in the description that she had so hurriedly skimmed over.  
  
After all, her English at that point was not quite yet practiced. She couldn’t be expected to actually understand _every_ word she read, could she? At least, not so very soon after arriving. It just didn’t seem _fair_.

And yet, here she found herself. Glossing over those two tiny words had landed her in this place, baking under the scorching midday sun smack in the middle of a forest clearing, weighed down by an overfilled backpack and the heaviness of her own lassitude.  
  
To say that were other ways she would have preferred to spend her weekend would have been an understatement.

It did not help that most of the students enrolled in the course already seemed to have known each other; if it were not enough that Delphine already felt completely out of her element here, the _company_ made matters even worse. Had she not already been so hindered by her own shakiness with the English language, the cliquishness of her classmates would have been enough to deter her from the formation of friendships in and of itself.

And now, only a month into the course, and already they were expected to embark on one of these _excursions_ together. Only a month in, and already Delphine was expected to have developed some level of _connection_ with these people. With these people who were already so seemingly interconnected: bonded by an interest, a language, and an apparent past that Delphine did not share.

Truthfully, Delphine was not certain that she would be able to handle these requisite monthly forays into nature. Not with this crowd, and not in this country.  
  
And yet…  
  
She lifted the brim of her baseball cap – borrowed last-minute from her roommate – and wiped the sweat from her forehead. It was so silly and so American, with its ridiculous emblem of socks that were red. Such a ludicrous name for any sort of sporting team, really. _The Red Sox_. She wondered absently what had ever possessed her to come to this country, if it meant trudging about miles from civilization with complete strangers while wearing ridiculous hats with even more ridiculous logos.

She continued on the trail – always a few paces behind the majority of the group – and wondered when they might finally stop. Wondered if, perhaps, she should have been more focused on learning the Imperial system while in school. _Just over eight miles in_ , the professor had said. But whether that was two kilometers or twenty, Delphine hadn’t the faintest notion. Too embarrassed to ask any of her classmates, she simply traipsed on.  
  
Finally, the group reached a clearing next to a river. And finally, _finally_ , everyone stopped.

“Okay, chickens, we’ll set up camp here,” Mrs. S announced. The professor took a moment to survey the group before continuing. “Now, since it’s only our first excursion, I’ll be glad to answer any of your questions. Can’t have any of you dying on the first go now, can we.”  
  
“Nope, not like last time. S loses one nearly every year, you know,” Cal teased. The TA smiled broadly, his rough face belying his friendly, playful demeanor.

Mrs. S chuckled. Her kind eyes peeked out from beneath a straw hat, and surprisingly Delphine found that her weathered face lent itself equally well to a warm grin as it did to her usual stern expression. Mrs. S had been teaching this course for longer than anyone seemed able to remember. She was wildly popular with the students, but something about her demeanor pricked Delphine with discomfort. She found herself not wanting to disappoint her, but constantly feeling as if she already had.

“Now, pair up with your assigned partners and set up your tents. If any of you have trouble you’re welcome to ask Cal or myself, but I do hope that at this point you can all at least do this much. Otherwise, well,” she paused to glance playfully at Cal, “This might just be the year we lose one.”

She’d said it lightheartedly – hands on her hips and a smile spread wide on her face – but Delphine couldn’t help the anxiety that sprung up in her. What if she had to ask for help already? What if she set it up wrong, and it collapsed in the middle of the night? What if her partner wouldn’t help her, or if she snored too much? What if –

“Hey, Delphine.”  
  
Her anxious whirlwind was abruptly stilled by a friendly voice and a flashing smile.

“ _Bonjour_ , Cosima,” she smiled shyly back. While Delphine felt greasy and exhausted, Cosima radiated enthusiasm. She seemed in her element here – all glowing, tanned skin and sunshine grin.

“Sooo, where do you wanna set up? I’m thinking we grab that spot over behind those trees.” She pointed to a space just up from the water, slightly secluded and a bit away from the rest of the group.  
  
“Oh, ehm… _oui_. That’s fine, yes,” Delphine stammered. “Whatever you think is best.”  
  
“Hey, trust me on this one,” Cosima assured her. She moved closer and lowered her voice to a whisper. “It’s better to be kinda away from everybody. Helena snores. Shay will probably, like, do some chanting or sage burning ritual or something. I don’t know. She mentioned something about, like, ‘calling upon the spirits of the earth’ earlier. Oh, and I can guarantee you that Beth and Paul are gonna end up in the same tent by the end of the night… so we probably won’t wanna be in earshot for that. C’mon,” she prompted, nudging Delphine’s side and bouncing off towards the trees.  
  
Delphine sighed wearily – she envied Cosima’s easy energy.

Still, she supposed she could have done worse for a partner. She could have been forced to share a tent with the wildly eccentric Helena, for instance. Or somehow worse still: Shay, who reeked too strongly of patchouli and an over-dedication to her own Bohemian image. Even the thought of sleeping next to Sarah – with her gruff demeanor and reckless nature – appealed little to Delphine.  
  
Yes, she could do worse than Cosima. Cosima, she supposed, was the best of the lot of them. Even if she used far too much slang, and even if the scent of marijuana seemed inexorably sunk into her person. Even if her attention sometimes seemed to cause Delphine to smile a bit too fully, to laugh a bit too long. In any other situation, she might have mistaken these feelings for the beginnings of a crush.  
  
_Non_ , she shook her head to herself. _Non, she is just nice to me. That is all._

She was, after all, quite lonely. No one had warned her of the _loneliness_ , when she had elected to move so far away. She supposed she should have anticipated it, really, but it had caught her quite off guard in its intensity. So it made sense, then. With very few friends to her name at this point, it made _sense_ that Cosima’s attention towards her – with her buoyant demeanor and easy affability – might excite her more than usual. It made perfect, logical sense.  
  
Still, Delphine did not stop herself from lingering her gaze a bit long when Cosima’s lithe, thinly muscled form set to work erecting their tent. Did not stop herself from admiring the flex of her arms, the shine on her skin. Beauty was beauty, after all. It didn’t have to mean anything.

“Are you sure you do not want me to help?” Delphine asked from where she sat seated primly on a nearby rock.  
  
“Nah, it’s cool. You can do it next time,” Cosima answered, snapping the poles in. “I know you’re not, like, super into this class.”  
  
“And what makes you think that I will stay around long enough for there to be a ‘next time’” Delphine teased.  
  
“Well, you haven’t dropped out yet,” Cosima smiled wryly back, lifting her gaze to meet Delphine’s. She felt her cheeks flush.  
  
“I tried to, actually. They would not let me. Apparently I missed the deadline to, ehm… remove the class?”  
  
“Drop the class,” Cosima offered.  
  
“ _Oui_ , yes. To drop the class without a penalty,” she finished. “So it seems that I am, how would you say… _committed_ to this course.”  
  
“Hm, well then in that case, Ms. Cormier, I guess I’d better show you how to set up this tent after all,” Cosima decided, her face plastered with the now-familiar radiant smile. “Now that you’re _committed_. Wanna grab those stakes over there?”  
  
Delphine obliged with a grin, wondering if perhaps she might be able to muster a spark of excitement for this course after all.

___________________________________________

She noticed it later, during a short lesson from Cal on foraging and edible plants. It was nearly dusk, and Delphine was growing bored with Cal’s lengthy segment on mushrooms, so she began to let her eyes wander around the group. At this point, Alison and Angie seemed to be the only ones still paying him any mind. Art was reclined back a bit in his seat, gaze lifted lazily to the sky. Helena’s focus seemed to alternate from the bar of chocolate in her hands to a squirrel scurrying about around a nearby boulder. Beth and Paul were wrapped around one another, as usual, and even Felix seemed to be leaning in a bit close to Colin. Shay seemed to be – meditating, maybe? And Sarah Manning was giggling.  
  
Delphine’s brow furrowed.

Sarah Manning never _giggled_.

It was then that Delphine caught a flash of silver passing from Sarah’s hand to Felix’s. He tucked the object into his coat before it snagged anyone else’s attention, but not before Delphine could suss out its identity.

_A flask._

Delphine flushed, a tight anxiety balling up in her chest. Delphine Cormier did not break rules, and even being in such close proximity to this _particular_ sort of rule breaking made her go rigid with unease. After all, the international student info packets had made it _explicitly_ clear that underage drinking was taken exceptionally seriously at this institution, with _expulsion_ threatened as the immediate consequence. Delphine couldn’t understand why anyone would take such a risk. Her eyes found their way to Cosima’s, who smirked knowingly. Strangely, it calmed her, and she found herself smiling shyly back.

___________________________________________

The rest of the night drifted by in a surprisingly uneventful manner: lectures were completed, dinner was consumed, and exhausted students disappeared behind flimsy tent walls. It seemed that perhaps there would be no shenanigans after all, despite what Delphine’s discovery of contraband alcohol had led her to suspect. Lulled into a sense of complacency and weighed down by exhaustion, Delphine drifted off to sleep easily (even despite the discomfort of her sleeping pad on the uneven ground, even despite Cosima’s warmth radiating innocently against her back, even despite their proximity initially quickening the beating of her heart).  
  
And so Delphine found herself rather alarmed when she woke up to find herself next to a vacant sleeping bag.  
  
For a moment, she panicked. What had happened? Had she done something embarrassing in the night? Had she made Cosima uncomfortable in some way?  
  
Before the gusts of her anxiety could whirl themselves into too powerful a storm, Delphine found herself suddenly blinded by the bright glare of a headlamp. 

“Hey, Delphine.” She heard a whisper, followed by the sound of her tent being unzipped.  
  
“ _Quoi_?” she responded groggily, still mildly disoriented from sleep. “Oh, Cosima.”  
  
“Shit, sorry. You were asleep. Shit.”  
  
“ _Non, je_ … eh, I… well, yes. I was. What time is it? Where did you go?”  
  
“No idea what time it is. Buuuut…. I _did_ manage to snag Sarah’s flask. And, um, full disclosure? I might have brought some stuff of my own. Wanna go check out the river?”  
  
Delphine hesitated, mouth agape and already half-formed into the word “ _non_.” And she _should_ have said _non_. Should have rolled over and ignored Cosima. Should have let her go off on her antics alone. Let her fail this course by herself. Let her risk expulsion. Delphine would not risk being expelled from this university – from this country – for something as silly as underage drinking, especially when she was of age in her own country. It was simply too ludicrous.  
  
But Cosima’s smile flashed bright and easy. The whites of her eyes gleamed, and her pupils seemed to actually _sparkle_ in the darkness.  
  
Delphine did not remember actually _saying_ yes – could not remember uttering any sort of verbal agreement to this adventure, to this transgression. Yet, she found herself grasping Cosima’s proffered hand and mirroring her offered smile. She found herself still clasping that hand, their fingers entwined, as she followed Cosima down to the bank of the river, smile split wide and permanent across her face.

Cosima was arguably just as reckless as Sarah, but while Sarah’s wrongdoings twisted Delphine’s stomach into an anxious knot, somehow Cosima’s impish smile inspired her. With Cosima, breaking the rules was exciting. With Cosima, she felt safe.  
  
“Where is, ehm… where are the others?” Delphine asked as they came to the river. Cosima shrugged and produced a large lantern and blanket from her backpack.  
  
“Asleep, I guess.” She turned on the lantern and laid the blanket over damp ground. “Why? Wanna invite them?”  
  
Delphine smirked.  
  
“Not particularly.”  
  
“Correct answer!” Cosima teased as she pulled off her headlamp and stuffed it into her bag. “I mean, they’re all great. But they can sorta be a bit… much, sometimes.”  
  
“ _Oui, c’est vrai_ ,” Delphine agreed as Cosima plopped down on the blanket beside her, Sarah’s flask in hand.

The night was warm, but they settled in close to one another anyhow. Cosima kicked off her shoes and dug her toes into the wet dirt. She unscrewed the flask, took a swig, and crinkled her nose in disgust.  
  
“Ugh, bourbon. Of fucking course,” she spluttered, coughing. “Want some?” she choked out, offering the flask to Delphine. “It’s almost gone, anyway. I guess Sarah and Felix killed most of it earlier.”  
  
Delphine hesitated a moment, but Cosima raised her eyebrows in a silent challenge. Delphine Cormier did not break rules, but…  
  
Delphine Cormier never backed down from a challenge.  
  
She boldly seized the flask from Cosima’s hand, lifting it to her lips and taking a long, smooth pull. She could feel Cosima’s gaze traveling from her lips down her jawline and along her collarbone.  
  
“Woah. Well, okay then,” Cosima said, impressed.

“It is not very good,” Delphine stated primly, offering the flask back to Cosima.  
  
“No shit. Sarah brought it.”  
  
“Well then why did you take it? If you knew that it would be ‘shit’?”  
  
Delphine felt her cheeks go all warm and tingly; possibly from the whisky, possibly from the way Cosima chuckled at her. The warmth spread lower and washed all over her chest, and she couldn’t suppress her smile (couldn’t decide if she really _should_ , with Cosima beaming back at her in that particular way).

“I’m doing her a favor,” Cosima assured her. “Honestly? Sarah’s kind of an idiot. If you’re gonna bring illegal alcohol on a college camping trip, you don’t put it in a fucking flask. That’s just, like, asking to get caught.”  
  
“Hm,” Delphine said. “And are you not afraid that she will find out? That she will catch you?”  
  
Cosima chuckled at that.  
  
“Nah, no way. She’s off banging the TA right now.”  
  
“ _Cal_?” Delphine asked, incredulous.  
  
“Mm-hmm,” Cosima confirmed, as if this were the most mundane fact in the world. She drained what little was left of the bourbon from the flask. “And I’ll put her flask back before she can figure out who took it. Empty, of course,” she proclaimed gleefully, tossing the now empty container into her bag. “Now, if Sarah were _smart_ , she would have put her whisky in something a little less conspicuous,” Cosima said, holding up her metal thermos with a mischievous glint in her eye.  
  
“Cosima!” Delphine mockingly reprimanded her.  
  
“Does that mean you don’t want any?” Cosima teased. “I promise it’s better than the bourbon.”

“I should hope so,” Delphine bantered back, feeling bold. She grabbed the thermos from Cosima’s hands and unscrewed the cap before taking a sniff. “What did you bring?”

“Try some,” Cosima suggested playfully.  
  
Delphine glanced at her skeptically, but Cosima smiled.  
  
“What? Don’t trust me?” Her eyes seemed to catch a glimmer from the lantern - her entire face glowed.  
  
Delphine tipped the thermos back and took a small sip.

“Is this… wine?” Delphine asked, somewhat shocked.

“Mmm-hmm,” Cosima answered. “And it’s like, pretty decent shit, too. I don’t like to bring hard stuff on these trips. I prefer to, like, remember my nights out here.”  
  
“Hmmm,” Delphine answered thoughtfully, taking another sip.  
  
“Sorry I don’t have, like, fancy wine glasses or whatever. Options are kind of limited here.”  
  
Delphine smiled warmly, simply offering the thermos back in response. Cosima took a sip.  
  
“So, _Delphine Cormier_ ,” she began, affecting a terrible French accent, “What inspired you to move all the way across the world for a semester at Berkeley?”  
  
“A year, actually,” Delphine corrected. “I am here for a year.”

“Shit, big commitment,” Cosima teased. “So, like… why, though? Why here?”  
  
“Well,” Delphine began with a smirk, “I heard that there was this _magnificent_ outdoor education course, and I just knew that I had to –”  
  
“Okay, okay! I get it,” Cosima laughed. “You’re not a big fan of this course. And you don’t want to tell me why you moved here. It’s cool.” She paused. “Bad breakup?”

“No, not at all! Although… well, yes. There was a breakup,” she admitted, almost as an afterthought. “But that was not the reason.”  
  
“Okay,” Cosima said, taking another sip of the wine and offering it back to Delphine. Delphine accepted it. 

“You are going to laugh at me,” she stated simply, and took a long sip of wine.  
  
“I make no promises,” Cosima joked, but the warmth of her perpetual smile put Delphine at ease.  
  
“My town in France,” she began, “It was very small. And even after my family moved to Paris – it was larger, yes, but still. I always felt that I, ehm… I did not feel that I… conformed?”

“Like, you didn’t fit in?” Cosima offered. “You felt out of place?”  
  
“ _Oui_!” she exclaimed. “Yes, I did not feel that I belonged there. So I thought, why not? Why not travel somewhere new? To see if, ehm…”  
  
“To see if you fit,” Cosima finished for her, and their eyes met in a way that burned Delphine’s cheeks and stirred a pleasant fluttering beneath her skin.  
  
“Oui,” she replied, barely above a whisper. She sunk her teeth into her lower lip – let it go, smoothed over it with her tongue. Still, she did not remove her gaze from Cosima’s.  
  
“And do you?” Cosima asked, eyes still locked with Delphine’s. “Feel like you… fit here?”  
  
_Oui_ , Delphine thought immediately. _In this moment, yes_.  
  
“I… am not sure yet,” she said instead, slowly. She paused, not feeling that she could express herself properly in English. She shook her head in frustration and finally dropped her gaze to the side and away from Cosima.  
  
“I’m sorry.  I told you,” she said, “It’s a stupid reason.”  
  
“No it’s not,” Cosima assured her, her tone nonchalant. “It’s not stupid to feel out of place. I mean, everybody feels that way sometimes. It’s not weird.”  
  
“Even if I always feel this way?” Delphine laughed, but she felt that familiar discomfort bleeding into the edges of it.  
  
“Do you feel that way now?”  
  
Delphine’s breath caught in her throat.  
  
“I – no. I don’t. Which is ridiculous,” she laughed. “This is the last place I would have thought to, ehm… feel like I _fit_.”  
  
“I’m glad,” Cosima said simply, and took a sip of the wine before handing it to Delphine. She laid back on the blanket, hands behind her head. Delphine looked down at her from where she sat and saw stars reflected in her eyes.

“Yeah. I mean, we all experience the world differently. Like, I totally get it. Well, I mean, I don’t feel the same. But I do… except, it’s different… ugh, man,” she paused, adorably crinkling her brow in frustration. “Tony and I had, like, a lot of weed earlier. Sorry if I’m not making much sense.”  
  
“Weed,” Delphine pondered the word. “You are, ehm… _défoncée?_ ”  
  
Cosima quirked an eyebrow at her.  
  
“Merde, je ne sais pas comment le dire en anglais...”  
  
“Dude, I have no clue what you’re saying right now. German speaker here.”  
  
“You have, ehm… been smoking? But not cigarettes.”  
  
“Delphine Cormier, are you trying to ask me if I’m high?”  
  
“High! _Oui_!” she exclaimed. “Weed is marijuana?”  
  
“Oh my god, Delphine,” Cosima laughed. “What am I going to do with you?”  
  
“You do use a lot of slang,” Delphine pointed out. “And I am still learning.”  
  
Cosima shrugged. “You seem to be doing pretty damn well to me.”  
  
She laughed again, and Delphine admired her laugh. It was an honest thing, a thing devoid of any vestiges of sadness. She envied it.  
  
“But you were saying?” Delphine prompted her, lying down beside her on the blanket. She propped herself up on one elbow, body angled towards Cosima.  
  
“Oh, right,” she continued, her laughter subsiding to reveal a more pensive tone. “I guess I don’t really feel out of place so much as I… want to be everywhere? If that makes sense? Like, one body isn’t enough. I sort of feel like I’m everyone? Or like I want to be?”  
  
“I… guess that makes sense,” Delphine said. It seemed so far from anything she’d ever felt.

“I mean, having only one body. That’s crazy, right?” Cosima went on, the speed of her words increasing along with her enthusiasm. Delphine watched her, and still she stared up at the stars. “Like, just think of all of the different possible places you could be at any given moment. Any of the people you could meet. Like, why just this body? What would it feel like if I were in your body instead? Or if you were in mine?”  
  
Delphine flushed from her cheeks down to her chest again, only this time the warmth traveled all through to her fingertips and toes and settled in at the apex of her thighs. She took another sip of wine.  
  
“I, ehm… am not sure. I suppose I hadn’t… had not given it any thought.”  
  
If Cosima noticed the effect that her words had on Delphine, she gave no hint of it. She seemed oblivious – too caught up in the wildly focused trajectory of her musings.  
  
“Like, you must experience the world so differently than me. Or even Felix! Or Shay. Like, imagine thinking that it’s a great idea to spread honey all over yourself and walk around chanting in the forest.”  
  
“ _Quoi_? She is not!” Delphine laughed, envisioning it.

“Oohhhh yeah. Seriously, though. She’s gonna get herself attacked by a bear or something. God, I can’t believe I used to date her,” Cosima groaned, grabbing the wine back from Delphine and propping herself up to take a long swig.  
  
“You did?” Delphine asked, feeling even warmer. She felt a peculiar surge of jealousy rise up in her. Perhaps it was only the whisky and the wine, but she found that she was less and less certain of the assumed platonic nature of her feelings for Cosima.  
  
“Yeah, I know. Please don’t judge me? It was freshman year, and let’s be real: not a lot of cute girls to choose from.”  
  
“I do not find her that attractive,” Delphine balked.  
  
“That’s what I’m saying, though!” Cosima enthused, all passion and dancing hands again. “Like, we all perceive everything so differently. We all interact with each other, with our environment, with all of these external stimuli so differently. Don’t you even just get, like, so _frustrated_ only being in one body, in one place, at one time? There are just so many places to see, and you can never see all of them. And even if, like _somehow_ , you could, that place is gonna be different at any given moment. And in the same moment, it’s gonna be different for you than it is for someone else. You’re never gonna perceive something the same way as the person next to you. It’s crazy. There are so many variables. It’s just, so wild, ya know?”  
  
Delphine was in awe. Cosima’s experience was so, so different from her own perpetual feeling of – what had Cosima said? – of not fitting in. She couldn’t fathom it.  
  
“But don’t you think that maybe, in a way… we are all connected?” Delphine began slowly. “That it is enough to have these experiences as a collective, if not as an individual? That maybe in some manner you _do_ experience all of the things happening in the universe, or that will happen, or that have happened in the past? I guess…” Delphine grew quiet, uncertain if she was sharing too much. “I guess… I have always hoped that. Have always hoped to feel it.”

Cosima gave her a small, encouraging smile.  
  
“Why, Ms. Cormier,” she quipped softly, “I would not have expected you to be so taken with such a bohemian line of thinking. Aren’t you in the hard sciences?”  
  
“Aren’t you?” Delphine shot back playfully.  
  
“Touché,” Cosima conceded. “Maybe I should set _you_ up with Shay. You two can talk all about the ‘interconnectedness of the vibrations of the universe’ or whatever.”  
  
“I… do not think that I am interested in Shay,” Delphine specified, staring pointedly at Cosima. She bit down on her lip again, and found herself staring at the curve of Cosima’s mouth. The thermos of wine lay capped and forgotten beside them.  
  
“Fair enough, and honestly probably a good choice,” she agreed, lying back on the blanket again to gaze up at the stars. “Have your eye on anyone else, then?”  
  
“I… am not sure yet,” Delphine mused.  
  
“You seem to not be sure about a lot of things tonight,” she laughed, eyes sparkling and tongue poking playfully through her teeth.  
  
And it was then that Delphine kissed her.

She remembered most clearly, afterwards, the rush of the sharp little breath Cosima took in when Delphine so abruptly leaned in and cut off her laughter. She remembered the slight stiffening of her body, that tension that quickly melted into a quiet enthusiasm. She remembered the stars in her eyes just before she kissed her, the glow of the lantern on her skin. She remembered licking the taste of wine from her lips. She remembered her _softness_ , mostly, and the quiet sound of the water lapping on the shore.  
  
Delphine rolled easily on top of her, and Cosima’s arms snaked up her sides. Delphine pulled back a bit, propping herself up just inches above Cosima.  
  
“Is this… okay?” she asked.  
  
“Um, yeah,” Cosima answered with a wide glowing grin. “More than okay here.”  
  
“ _Bon_ ,” Delphine answered breathily, and dipped down to meet Cosima’s lips again.

Perhaps it was unwise, she thought, to kiss the only friend she’d managed to make in this country. Perhaps she should not have risked this. But as Cosima’s hands ducked beneath her shirt and traveled up the expanse of her back, she could not help but simply be happy for this moment. For this moment in a place she’d never supposed to want to be, in class she’d never wanted to sign up for, and with a woman she would never have thought to want. It was all too wildly unlikely.

 _But strangely_ , she thought as she grinned into Cosima’s kiss, _it fit_.

“Do you still… wish that you could be elsewhere?” Delphine teased, nipping at Cosima’s lower lip. “That you could be in another body?”  
  
“Mmmmmm, nope,” Cosima hummed, bringing a hand up to graze her fingertips along Delphine’s cheek. “Pretty happy with where this one’s at right now, thanks.”  
  
Delphine grinned even wider.  
  
“You still feeling out of place?” Cosima countered.  
  
“ _Non_ ,” she husked. “ _Je pense_ – I think I am happy here.”  
  
“ _Bon_ ,” Cosima whispered, brushing their noses together before playfully ducking away from Delphine’s mouth to kiss along her neck instead.

Delphine stretched back and allowed the warmth to wash all over her. Strange, that this rush of contentment she’d always sought could arise as a result of one tiny human in such a short amount of time. Perhaps it was not, after all, a _place_ that she was looking to fit in.

And perhaps it was stupid (perhaps it was the stars, or the forest, or the loneliness, or the wine) but Delphine couldn’t help but think that – maybe, just maybe – she would go anywhere with Cosima. That she would want to experience her through being a thousand different people – what would she see? Would she still feel the same way about her? Would she still charm her, regardless? Would it matter what body either of them inhabited? She found herself suddenly wanting to know; found herself suddenly inspired by discovery instead of the more familiar urge to escape.

But at this particular moment, she thought – there is no place she would rather be. This accidental course that she never should have enrolled in, and this accidental camping trip she never wanted. And Cosima – well, she never would have suspected to want her, either.

“So… ehm, these… tent partners,” she began, nuzzling into the crook of Cosima’s neck. “Do they remain the same for all of these trips? They do not change?”  
  
“Hmmmm… not sure,” Cosima responded, weaving her fingers lazily into Delphine’s hair. “But I’ll see if I can have Sarah put in a good word with Cal.”  
  
“Good,” Delphine whispered, and smiled against Cosima’s chest. She knew they would need to head back to the tent eventually – to return Sarah’s flask; to hide any evidence of the wine; to sleep, maybe – but for the moment she would allow herself to simply enjoy the warmth of her body wrapped around Cosima’s, the soft lapping of the water on the shore, the soft glow of the lantern and the tiny pinprick stars above.

As it turns out, there is something about transporting your life halfway across the world for an exchange year at an American university that can indeed be mildly disorienting.  So disorienting, in fact, that little details like “course descriptions and requirements” might somehow escape you. Might somehow escape you and lead you into commitments and into a happiness that you never could have foreseen. That you might suddenly find yourself committed to a university, to a woman, to a country for much longer than you ever could have anticipated. That you might find, against all odds, that you fit.  
  
As it turns out.


End file.
